My dad is an instrumental part of my life. Although he is not here in body, he lives on in spirit. Hearing a snippet of his voice “mkay” or “love you too, babe.” His laugh. Feeling his hug. Picturing him standing back, observing what his family is doing. I imagine him sitting on my lanai. I am grateful that I could create memories with him for 29 years. However, I’m putting it into practice- all that he’s taught me.
Indeed, I know his guidance established a foundation for me. It gave me integral lessons that I’ve passed on to my children and grandchildren—his empathy and patience. I seek to replicate it daily. As the Things My Father Taught Me series ends, ultimately, I know I grew even more. As I take this opportunity to tip my hat to my dad, I want to share three foundational things I hold close- putting it into practice. Integrity is essential; the best punishments were lectures, and when loving me, be good at it.
Dad believed that a person stood on their word. With that, I can hear “say what you mean and mean what you say.” Translation my voice matters. I’ve shared through writing that for years I’d lost my voice. Lost it in shame, heartbreak, and fear. I don’t remember the exact day when it happened. I do remember the day I realized it. In 2018. Donald Lawrence’s featuring Le’Andria Johnson’s song Deliver Me was playing. Link to Deliver Me video: https://youtu.be/KwYJv455Zmk. Babyy, when I tell I fell to my knees when Le’Andria hit that note, “Lord, deliver me because I do is hurt me.” It was an awakening. To my trauma. To my hurt. I sought help. Navigating how putting it into practice would change my outlook.
Next, the best punishments were lectures. Yes, I know. It sounds crazy. Especially since, at the time of the lecture, all I could think about was being somewhere else. However, as I got older, the message made sense. There have been countless times when I’ve thought, “yeah, my dad said that would happen,” “oh wow, it makes sense now.” In fact, I’m notorious for applying the Bruce E Carlton method. Ask my children. Ask my grandson.
In addition, my dad taught me that when it comes to loving me, be good at it. But somewhere along the way, I forgot. Instead, self-love was lower on my list of priorities. Putting me first became a luxury that I couldn’t afford. However, I’ve learned each day is an opportunity to try again. That said, I’ve intentionally moved self-love to one of my top 5 priorities. I started by:
- Daily affirmations reminders on my phone. Read about the daily affirmations here: https://mindescapevibe.com/2022/04/self-care-gratitude-currency/. Additional affirmations written on sticky notes then placed on mirrors
- I read at least two each day (I placed the notes but didn’t read them for a long time. I rearranged my routine to include reading my sticky notes).
- Forgiveness- I’ve been working on this a lot. I discovered that embarrassment and shame were holding me hostage. I change the narrative when I feel like it’s a me thing. Meaning, internally speaking to myself, I say, “it’s a life lesson,” “I learned from the experience,” and “I am grateful I made it through”
- Grace- self-grace to do or not do. Acceptance that I’m ready or I’m not ready
- Connection- I talk to my mom often and sisters every day. I didn’t always do this. Sometimes weeks or years (if we disagreed) would go by. I’ve found that I’m better with them. Life is better
- Boundaries- I started with my adult children. I needed room, and so did they. Then, I moved on to individuals where I knew our season had ended. I packed those chapters away and moved on.
Putting self-love into practice meant I needed to remember that being enough is singular. I have nothing to prove to anyone. Therefore, stopping negative self-talk is non-negotiable. Especially since I started to believe the things I said to myself. My dad wants this for me!
I love you, Dad! Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself.
