Until now, I’ve written about the adjustment with my promotion to Parental Consultant. However, it does not stop there. I am also co-parenting with my daughter, the mother of my grandson. Never in a zillion years did I phantom becoming a caregiver to my adult daughter’s child. Likewise, I wanted to be the grandparent that visits my grandchild on the weekends, sugared him up then sent him home to his parent. That said, my reality was understanding my grandson’s daily nuances and helping him work through his emotions. Attempt to maintain my sanity during the first year of the pandemic.
It is no secret what substance abuse can do to a family. Initially, we managed in the best way possible. However, my daughter’s last episode resulted in another extensive hospitalization. As our family processed unknowns, my sons referenced my Parental Consultant resume. Guess what? I got the job. My grandson came to live with me in the second half of 2020. I’d be lying if I said I accepted the position gracefully as I’d become accustomed to my new role’s newfound freedoms. By the same token, my grandson was confused, hurting, and wanted his mommy.
Hence, the next stage in reinventing my empty nest was highly challenging to do. Our lives shifted to interacting with DCF and judges. Somehow, I could not help but feel that her actions directly reflected me, like the common saying, “the apple does not fall too far from the tree.” In addition, our relationship had been strained for years, practically held together with duct tape and bobby pins. I was angry, and she felt judged.
A LOT! Indeed, there were days when I wanted to pack my bags and run away. Hide. Change my number. Leave. But the reality was loud and clear. RESPONSIBILITIES.
On the other hand, my daughter and I had to figure this out. Despite our feelings about each other, we knew my grandson, her son, was most important. That said, our co-parenting journey started with:
- Mediator – someone picked up my grandson once a week, for a two-hour visit.
- Phone calls – my daughter called my grandson in addition to visits, and I know it helped her to hear his voice.
- Arguments- We said hurtful things to each other out of frustration and while in pain.
- Avoidance through silence was the alternative when communication was unbearable
My Pulse Check
The pulse check happened when my grandson asked me why I didn’t love her. Yep! With a serious facial expression, he asked me while sitting at the dinner table eating his pan pizza, his favorite meal. My heart dropped. At that moment, I realized it was bigger than me. So, I had a decision to make: how do I manage this co-parenting relationship? Admittedly, I did not know because I could not fully understand my daughter, so I called my younger sister, my daughter’s auntie. My sister, who is in this line of work, educated me on the amenable approaches. My sister’s guidance helped me to shift my mindset.
Our Current Journey
Currently, my daughter and I have been co-parenting without a mediator for over a year. We do not always agree, and yes, we still argue. However, I have learned to meet her where she is, let go of expectations for a child. To honor her as a grown woman. A woman who has life lessons that are similar yet different than mine. More importantly, whether I agree with her choices, currently, she is walking in sobriety and deserves respect. Our arrangement:
- My grandson is with me from Sunday to Wednesday.
- He is with his mom from Thursday to Sunday (midday).
- Financially, I cover my grandson’s expenses so my daughter can save her money. She has set goals for herself, so I’ve taken the stance that I must alleviate obstacles to assist her in reaching her goals (um, she disagrees). In this area, I am a work in progress.
- Big decisions are made jointly.
As for my grandson, the position he’s in is unique, and he must straddle the fence between his grandma and mom. I have told him that I will have his back no matter the day, time, or year and he does not need to worry about me being mad.
Reinventing my empty nest meant having an open mind, indeed. It has meant leaning on my support system to get out of my own way. More importantly, knowing I won’t get it right all the time, but remain consistent and stay the course. We are worth it.
If you struggle with finding your place as your empty nest evolves, extending grace, or finding peace to love yourself as you are without judgment or shame, I can help. Through the GLADness Program, I will help you adapt strategies to help you find peace within through change. Book a free consultation today.
