When my children entered adulthood, I received a promotion to consultative parent. In my new role, offering advice when asked but expecting my children to do as I recommended is not in the job description. Even if their choice results in an emotional or monetary mishap. To say the least, it was not easy to see them hurting or conflicted, but just like in their teens, as a young adult, I respected their process if it did no harm—an essential component to setting boundaries and finding peace.
Letting go has always been a struggle for me. I remember when my middle son was maybe 10 or 11 years old. He wanted to venture off on his bike with his friends. He happened to ask on a Saturday when my dad was visiting, and I told him no because I feared not having visibility to him. My dad waited until he went upstairs; he said, “let that boy grow up. You can’t hold on so tightly. He needs to be able to go.” One of the many things my father taught me. That said, I rolled my eyes (in my head, of course) and went upstairs to tell him that he could go and discussed his curfew. Despite my initial fears, my son returned home on time, tired, and played out. The start of setting boundaries and finding peace.
Ironically, my youngest son didn’t ask to hang out much with his friends until high school. Although, my dad was no longer with us, his words remained true with him, as well. While I wanted to hold on tight, I let him go with clear boundaries and expectations- e.g., curfew, location, etc. He, too, returned home. One of the many times, we set boundaries and found peace as our relationship matured.
Ultimately, the final decision was mine with both of my sons at that time. However, with adult children, the final decision is theirs, not mine. Despite living at home or not. Just like the call for permission (wait, my children call it advice, does yours?).
However, for those, like me, who have a young adult finding their way, yet still residing at home, the Boundaries Agreement may look different but should include key elements essential to the household. An agreement created as a family with empathy. Hey, I get it! Some would state the deal is “my house, my rules,” and I am not mad at you, but for us, the agreement in our journey of setting boundaries and finding peace are include:
- Mutual respect
- Like leaving the house in a wool sweater, it is 99.999 degrees outside, and the humidity makes it feel like 102.999 degrees. Lawd, I want to ask why, and I don’t. Who can relate?
- Limitation and Dealbreakers:
- It is not easy to think of having dealbreakers with my children. But the truth is, there are. I choose open discussion because they are not psychic, even though some may think so.
- Ways they can help
- We live here, so we need to clean and respect our residence
- Collaboration
- Let’s work together for our good.
Even more, it helped me to understand him. Each day, we continue to work at it. We don’t have all the answers or always get it right. The most important part is we don’t give up.
One more thing…
Recently, my middle son wed. He sent me a picture of him and his new bride that day. No wedding. No family. Just him and her. At that moment, I knew my spot on his list was no longer #2. I accepted my time had come to an end. Equally, I rejoiced that I could accept the position as prn “as needed” consultant even though I am no longer his first call. Just like, I take pride in knowing I was his first call for many years. Now, it is time for our family to continue to evolve.
Indeed one of those days. Finding peace with change.
If you struggle with setting boundaries because you want to avoid conflict, are a people pleaser, or want to find peace to love yourself as you are without judgment or shame, I can help. Through the GLADness Program, I will help you adapt strategies to help you find peace within through change. Book a free consultation today.
